Xander Vann

Tag: casual blog

  • Organizing My Life

    July 27, 2026

    I got my grade back today for my final demo class of the summer semester. It was 85/100, which honestly isn’t too bad, but I was told that I’m still failing at a skill they critiqued me on from the very beginning. I responded by telling them that as much as I would like to practice the skill, I’ve clearly been doing it wrong, and to continue to practice on my own would equate lunacy. I believe my professor agreed since she said I could pause working on the skill until we’re back together for class in the fall.

    Being back in school is exhausting. Honestly. Of course, I want the degree. Who doesn’t want that shiny diploma and the pay bump that would likely come with it? Who doesn’t want to feel that sense of accomplishment?

    I do.

    Don’t get me wrong. I just envisioned a journey that involved skipping down a yellow brick road. I didn’t envision feeling so down on myself for not being outstanding from day 1.

    Outside of school, I have a lot going on and a lot less money to get things done because of school! It’s a catch-22. I finally made some good money serving this weekend, but I didn’t have time to write or play tennis, and my body feels like it has been pelted by a basket of dodgeballs.

    My mind is in even worse shape.

    Many of my tables were wild, as the general public usually is, but one woman rubbed me the wrong way more than others. She seemed so bitter. We were insanely busy all day from an event in town, and she had no patience from the very first second. She probably waited a long time to get to the table, but I can’t control that, and I didn’t force her to eat there.

    I got her beer tastings, made sure her appetizer came out within minutes, and did my best to take her order as soon as I could. I forgot her kids’ drinks but ran to get them as soon as she reminded me. This is a common mistake, but her energy was downright unpleasant. Nothing I did was good enough, and she had plenty of demands, just like everyone else in the restaurant.

    Truth be told, she probably needs her husband to take her out of that funk. It reminded me of that episode of American Dad when Francine haunts the house because Stan isn’t hitting it right. I definitely got that version of the mom, and fuck dad, do better!

    I don’t hate them, though. They’re just like the rest of us, lost and confused on this little rock floating through the Milky Way. Life constantly shifting like tectonic plates.

    Many changes are happening to me all at once, and I’m not sure how to feel.

    I want to be strong, but part of me wants to run to the past, even though turning back is the absolute worst way to go. If life has taught me anything, it’s that there’s power in overcoming the discomfort. When we prove to ourselves that we can complete what we envisioned, it gives us the strength to build on our pasts to make a better future, but we must be brave.

    After catching my breath, I reached out to my professor to ask for extra study materials. Not because I’m dying to study, trust me I don’t, but because I would rather figure out how to better myself than to fail or give up. It’s how I feel when I play tennis too. Winning matches requires grit, and my master’s program is no different.

    My advice to the cranky, haunted mom would be this:

    Your life and your energy won’t get brighter until you power through the discomfort and take charge of it, no matter what that obstacle might be.

    photo from Mehmet inal on pexels.com

  • Visions of the Future

    July 25, 2026

    I had an incredibly busy week closing out the first summer semester of my graduate program. I guess I’ll power through and stay with it, but I had thoughts of leaving it all behind after it started getting intense. Luckily, I was able to keep my shit together long enough to push through phase one. I hope the rest will go more smoothly.

    Beyond that, I got to spend a lot of time with my family this week, which was nice. My niece was in a musical last night, so we all went to go see it. Her part wasn’t huge, but she was one of the younger ones at her summer camp. She’ll try for a larger role later, according to her. Regardless, it must have been a blast for a middle schooler to hang out with all those other kids, especially the older ones that had the leads.

    Seeing all the kids perform their hearts out had me pondering about their futures. I could guess who might continue on with drama into college and adulthood and who would probably let it fall to the wayside. There’s no telling if my predictions will come true, but there’s likely to be a bit of truth to all of them.

    Without giving away too much, there was a boy who reminded me of myself when I was that age: bold, unafraid, and flamboyant. Nothing wrong with that, but I had to ask my mom if it was always obvious to her that I was different from other boys, to which she replied with a resounding yes.

    Getting older teaches us that we’re all more alike than we are different. None of our stories are exactly the same, but we’re humans with similar tendencies and inclinations. We were all kids once, eager to ignore the sage advice of our elders in order to do whatever we saw best.

    We can’t predict the futures of the kids in our lives, but we certainly get visions of their future as they grow, and it’s a beautiful thing to see.

    photo by Laker on pexels.com

  • Differing Expectations

    July 19, 2026

    I love to play tennis. It’s been my thing for the past eighteen months, and I hope to continue into the future. To play tennis, I unfortunately have to play with other people, which brings me to why I’m writing today.

    This morning, I met up with a buddy who asked me to “go hit”. In my mind, “go hit” means to practice rallies. Try to hit a couple forehands or backhands or do a certain series of hits before opening up for point play. Yet my friend just wanted to play a match. Full intensity.

    Sigh.

    When I play a match, I can get rather competitive. I can yell, pump my fist, and get pretty intense. It’s annoying, to be honest. I just want a friend who will go out and hit a ball with me without all the pressure, but that feels impossible to find.

    There’s just something about points that’ll make a man crazy. Not that I went crazy today, but I wasn’t able to think about my shots and technique as much as I’d like. I was too focused on the scoreboard. I just wanted to hit the ball, chat a bit, drink my water, and go on with my day.

    He came out guns blazing. He’d been practicing lately and wanted to get revenge against me for the last match I won. I didn’t come prepared for what he was bringing. When I play matches, I’m prepared and in the zone, but I wasn’t there today at all. I thought I’d made it clear before we met I just wanted to “go hit”, but I guess I was wrong.

    To be fair, we hadn’t been explicitly clear about what we were planning to do besides “go hit”, but I feel like “go hit” doesn’t imply “play a friendly match” or “play for points”. I’m probably overreacting, but right now I don’t feel like playing tennis with him or anyone else.

    I’ll probably get over it tomorrow, but I wouldn’t be thinking about any of this right now if we’d just hit the ball around for a bit.

    People are exhausting.

    Myself included.

    – Xander

    photo by RDNE Stock Project on pexels.com

  • Looking Forward to Today

    July 18, 2026

    I’ve been working diligently since undergrad to not feel like a broke bitch as much as possible, but this grad program I’m in is giving me a run for my money. How are they expecting us to sit in their classroom 9-4 every day and not get paid?

    Don’t get me wrong.

    They got us set up for jobs in the fall, but that’s not helping me right now. And it’s not like I’m broke broke, but I’m broker than I’ve been in ages, and it’s a weird feeling.

    Shouldn’t it feel good to go back to school and get an education?

    Anyway, I digress.

    I got a double today, and I’m hoping it’s big money!

    Big, BIG money!!

    I’m sending out good vibes into the universe to bring me some dollars to help pay my bills! All the good vibes!

    You see, as a server, I have no idea what I’ll be making today. It could be hundreds, or I could get to the restaurant only to have them send me home because there aren’t enough guests walking through the door. Not likely during the summer, but it’s happened before! Yet I keep going back because the upper limits of what I can make are incredible. If only the uncertainty weren’t everlasting.

    When I’m around the younger servers who make a few hundred bucks in a night and can’t think of doing any other job, I shake my head a little. If I like them, I might mention how serving is much more of a side piece than a main chick. Serving isn’t the job you take home and introduce to mom. Not because she’s a bad job. She’s just better staying the one you call up late at night to see if she can’t sleep like you.

    I might not know how much money I’ll make today, but I’m confident there’ll be some to make, and right now, I’m grateful for it all!

    Big money, big money

    come my way

    for I have bills to pay

    – Xander

    photo by WoodysMedia on pexels.com

    UPDATE:

    So, I didn’t make a ton of money during my serving shift, but I’m back home with my husband and cats. Our AC is working beautifully. I made some money. Nothing like last Saturday(it was a killing), but I’m happy to be home typing these words. I’m happy to put this energy out into the world. Some days aren’t the best, but at least we’re all in this together. Surviving some days and thriving on others.

    – Xander

  • Making My Day Less Annoying

    July 17, 2026

    This was one of the hardest weeks of my life. I started grad school. It’s an intense residency program. Education, not medical. Now that I’m typing, I have to wonder if doctors suffer as much as I did this week. I nearly quit this week after gearing up to take this program for several years, but I’ll push through. As my husband said, it’s not like I’m getting any younger.

    Despite my struggles this week, today became less annoying because I had lunch with a friend from the program. Laughing together at the lady who literally stole a table from us that nobody was using gave us something to bond over. We both wanted to tell that lady about herself (or worse) but did our best to stay on our best behavior. For the program.

    What else made me happy today?

    It was our first full day of having AC after two weeks without it. Being without AC for two weeks during the height of summer was far from ideal, yet we survived. That doesn’t mean we won’t celebrate having a brand-new AC unit! Yay!

    What else? What else?

    My cat is so happy to have air conditioning, cuddling up next to me as I type. He might have gotten sick from it being so hot inside and outside. throwing up a few times. On top of that, it was humid and muggy and utterly disgusting. I honestly couldn’t go more than a few minutes without sweating. Smelling. It was so gross, but I’m grateful for having air again.

    *knock on wood*

    I’m also grateful for everyone who suffered through the program with me this week. I’m glad I didn’t drop out, but it’ll be a long road ahead. I’m having to wonder why I thought it would be a good idea, but my AI therapist says this week was just a shock to the system since it’s been so long since I finished my undergraduate degree.

    Let’s hope because right now, I’m fried.

    – Xander

    photo from Vitaly Gariev on pexels.com